I'm having a breakdown.
Something is wrong with me. I feel as though it is setting in all of a sudden. I don't want to go back there. I refuse to go back there. I'm getting anxiety just thinking about it. Why am I crying? Because I can remember how dark that place was, how frustrating, how lonely, and simply terrible. I can feel it coming and I'm crying because I'm not sure how to stop it. Get me off this train, please. How did I get here? Am I over reacting? What does it feel like? How did I notice? I'll tell you. Wow, I'm not sure I'm breathing. In and Out; you can do it. Calm down. I'm almost unhappy. Not completely, like I was, but almost. I expect it to be the job of everyone around me to make me happy. I've been feeling unimportant, un-included, irrelevant, and disconnected from my sisters. Its like I don't exist. But am I only feeling that because of what ever this is. Its so frustrating to type out. I'm loosing confidence in me. I don't think I look as cute and I don't have the same presence. When I became that new me, people flocked because I had something that made them gravitate toward me. I've lost that. So I'm irrelevant. Maybe I've stopped making time for me. I know that when I'm feeling the loneliest that means I need to be alone. How can I expect people to like me when I don't like me. I feel like reaching out but I think that's half the problem. Its something inside of me that I need to fix. I have that " I want to sleep all the time" feeling. Idk what's wrong. I don't want to think that I'm not capable of being with someone; but maybe that's it. I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for this relationship. I'm more important. When I'm with someone I begin to rely on them for affirmation, instead of having to give it to myself. I also feel as though since I know that's what I want it from that I isolate myself from my sisters, whom used to provide it for me.
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Two parts.
I miss you. Where are you? This physical distance isn't something that is new to us. Maybe that's why you're so content with where we are? IN your mind I am far from my limit or my breaking point. However, for me, that does not mean I am satisfied with this. I can survive this. One of the worst parts is that I know I'm being unreasonable. I know there is nothing you can actually do. I know that you're sorry. I know that you think it sucks too. I know you're not doing it on purpose; but that does not change how I feel. I feel sad. I feel undervalued. I feel alone. I know it might seem like I'm being cold....I am. That's how I feel, its radiating from my heart. I try not to get my hopes up about you, because even though its a few days, its a few days that I need you. I'm afraid. We've only be apart a week and I am already doubting myself. I am back in this space that reminds me of so many things. It reminds me of what it's like to not have someone. But it also reminds me of what it means to have someone. How terrible it was the last time I did. You could not have picked a more inopportune time to go away. Being here, away from you, gets challenging. I'm lonely. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to share in my accomplishments. I want to cuddle. And there are people here, in the now, that want to offer me that. It can get hard to say no when that's what I crave so much. When I left here, I was unattached. So these people have become familiar with me as such. On another note: I feel like i've misplaced something that we used to have. Those two months did something to my memory. That bond we developed, i;m having trouble remembering it. I need to get back there, because I can tell you are. I don't want to end anything, far from it. I just need to start recalling what it is that made me fall for you. Something else I'm afraid of...losing me. Even now, I'm so sad and wrapped up in you being gone. It literally is altering my mood. Its hindering. Why do I feel this way toward a person? Why can one person control me so much already? I worked hard for a year to get to a place where I lived for myself. I didn't need anyone to think that I was happy. I could spend time with myself, doing things I loved and be more than content. I want to get back to that place. I know that's the girl you fell for, I want to continue being her. So maybe I am where I need to be. In this environment that fostered that change within me in the first place. I realize it takes work. I consciously worked at it. I need to work on upkeep and maintenance of that now. I just hope I can do that while simultaneously having you in my life. Enjoy England baby. A reflective piece.
If you were to have told the girl that started this blog that she would have turned into the woman writing this post, I am not sure she would've believed you. I mean I knew I had things deep in me that others could see and I could only barely sense but wow. The different 7 short months makes. I have become so much. Accomplished so much. Learned so much. Grown so much. And I did that. Me. I allowed myself to grow. I made the decision that things were going to change, I was going to change. Now I am not one to claim all the glory of my success becasue I am too Christ-minded for that. God has led me here, I truly beleive. At one point in the summer, in my weeping that seemed to never cease, I assessed how I was becoming increasingly alone. The people in my life were leaving me. In an attempt to justify for isolation I procalaimed that if God is clearing house like this he must be preparing and making room in my life for some truly incredible things. He has surely exceeded my wildest imagination. But why am I writing this post? I seems I only write when something is troubling me, and indeed it is. After all this growth and success I have become more self-aware and self-knowing. And I know that I am beginning to not feel like my new self. I am starting to feel like the girl that started this blog again. But I am smart enough to try to stop it. I've been having feeling of self-doubt. Not being enough. Constantly seek the validation of others, mostly men. I have been irritable and rude. Worst of all, I've been bored. Now I am not sure if it is because I have returned home for winter break. I am no longer busy with classes, which gives me the space to over think. Maybe because I don't have my own room and therefore no place to distress and gather my thoughts alone. Maybe it's not being surrounded by my sisters, who's genuine compliments and energy had unknowingly replaced the admiration of men. Maybe it's that I'm not having sex here and therefore am lacking intimate human connection that I have become accustom to. Maybe it's the return of my bestfriend and anxiety for her reintegration into this new life I have built without her. Maybe it's because the winter months yield little sunshine and little outdoor activity and that I truly do have seasonal effectiveness disorder. Or maybe it's because it's Christmas eve and these kind of holidays just do this to people. Whatever the reason I have sought out this previous form of expression as a way to think through it. It is like I am losing the ability to make myself happy which I fought so hard to gain. When I finally became okay with myself, what was I doing? I wish Cheryl were around to talk to. Rewind to the summer. How did I spend all those days alone:
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