Relationships are tricky. (Even more tricky when one chooses to post their private life online...oops.) Everyone knows that. Being a college age female, it's one of those things we spend WAY too much time on. I mean really, at this age a person should not be your morning and night sky, the breeze that keeps you a float, or the reason for everything you do-----> So said the smitten young teen. My self-righteous mumbo jumbo aside I place my significant other in very high regard. Although we have not been together for very long, they have become a vital part of my everyday life. But this isn't about that, it's about a conversation we had just yesterday.
It's about honesty and vulnerability. As of late I had been very frustrated both sexually and emotionally. There were so
many things I wanted to say but didn't quite know how. So for a long time I didn't. Granted I was/am dealing with other personal things but I told myself that there was so much more that they could be doing for me. 2 days ago keeping it in became too much of a hindrance so I confided in my partner about how their actions were affecting me. How I didn't feel desired, listened to, or cherished. I went on and on about what I wanted and what they were doing wrong. I brought out the tears and threw a lot of blame. I'm not exactly sure what I expected. Maybe a sudden revelation that they were not doing all they could for me, a few heartfelt apologies, come kisses and cuddles, and then a plan for how they were going to fix it. But the reaction I got was so far from what I could have imagined. I was met with silence. A stare. Eyes that were longing to understand but couldn't. A lost for words and shocked confusion. They reasoned that they did all of those things and more. Well that...that down right infuriated me. How could they not empathize with how I was feeling? Were they emotionally incompetent? Isn't one suppose to be honest in a relationship? With their impassive gazed the conversation for me was over. I felt as if nothing had been accomplished.
Returning home, all I wanted to do was cry. I was greeted by my roommate's cat MAX at the door. I reached out to pet him and he rejected me. With this I burst into sobs, the cat is even rejecting me. Hopelessly and tastelessly wallowing in my own self pity i went to bed, hoping sleep would resolve all my problems.
The next morning I woke up with a familiar knot feeling in my stomach. It's the sensation I get when I'm feeling guilty. But why would I feel guilty? I finally openly expressed myself. Didn't I? As the day went on and I hadn't heard from the S.O. I began to worry about where we stood. Did they hate me? Did they need space? Was I selfish? Should I apologize? Should I reach out or let them come to me? What if they never wanted to speak to me again? (which for a college student is a BIG deal). I felt that I had made a mistake but later on when we finally spent time together, things seemed to be okay. We behaved normally, as if our previous conversation hadn't taken place. We did went about our day like an average college-aged couple. Played video games for hours, watched a few episodes of Scandal, and even made pasta for dinner. I burned the cookies for dessert as always.
When it was time for bed I assumed we had put the situation behind us. That was until my partner honestly that they were concerned about us and that I wasn't happy in our relationship. I didn't know what to say. That was far from the truth. Then they accused me of only thinking I was happy because I was with someone. Now that just stung, and it stung really good. There were so many thoughts racing through my head. This is what I had asked for, a response and I was getting it. I wanted to listen I wanted to talk. I tried explaining that all my unhappiness was not stemming from our relationship and that it was hard to explain. But it was not coming across clear. They kept urging me to just say what I was thinking but I kept refusing, insisting I didn't want to. They pushed and pushed until finally I told them; I unloaded. I told them everything: troubles with school, being home sick, loosing my best friends all at once, not knowing where I belong, my struggles with self confidence, my complacency, that I can barely afford my rent and to feed myself, that I'm unsure of what I want to do with my life anymore, and all the pressure from all the things around me, everything. Through all of my ugly-crying I explained that with all this going on, all I wanted was to be held and told that I have a pretty smile. And in that moment everything became clear to both of us. There was no more anger, no more frustration, or confusion. They wrapped me in their arms and told me that I didn't have to go through any of this alone. And I kept crying. As they placed kisses on my forehead I cried myself to sleep and it felt wonderful.
I know that I'm not perfect, no where close. But I do believe in order to grow it is important to reflect (another topic I should discuss). I now see that my frustrations were misplaced. I tried so hard to not burden my significant other with my personal problems that I frustrated myself even further by not allowing myself to confide in anyone. I also alienated them from my how I was feeling. I also expected comfort for issues that I was even telling anyone I had, which is unfair. i can't explain the amount of relief I have from just being vulnerable. I am less that seldom vulnerable and but I realize now that in a relationship that I value I am going to have to step outside my comfort zone.