I'm not sure if I want to this to be a reflective piece or not. So we'll see where it goes.
Its been a long time since I've posted. rereading my old posts has brought on a lot of emotion. So yeah....words. Right now I feel a mix of relief, disbelief, and anxiety. School has ended yet again and I have that feeling. That "wow, I have absolutely nothing to occupy my time anymore" anxiety. It can lead to things like over-thinking, seeking an illegitimate S.O., and depression.I'm also in a state a shock because I was certain that I could not weather the semester; but I don't want to recount all my struggles just yet.
I'm writing to feel. I realized this is one of the truest expressions of myself and I love it. Without writing how would I process this feeling: Him. Now we've just met really. But its a classic case of just as my life is becoming empty, he's there. So naturally, I want him to fill it. I've been there before. STOP NOW is what my mind (and my blog) is screaming. Since I don't have much else to look forward to I have a pull to put all of my time, thoughts, and emotion into him. Thats not healthy, thats not fair, thats crazy: you barely know him. But I want to share the things I do know and life about him. He's selfless. I'm selfish. I think thats where it starts. I want so much for myself and he's there believing that I deserve all of those things. Whether it be time, attention, help, or actual things. He's so caring and attentive. He remembers the little things. He looks at me like I'm some rare Ivory bird that if he's not careful may go extinct. He says sorry a lot. I tell him that he shouldn't but its actually a weird quirk that I like. He can be insecure but I'm not sure why. Y YOu can always tell when someone has a really good soul by the people that are drawn to them. His friends and family think the world of him. Who wouldn't someone like him in there life. Sometimes he makes me feel guilty: because he's so good and I've let him fall under the illusion that I am as well. Now i'm pretty great but I can be one crazy bitch.
1st half of me: Don't keep doing this. You're moving too fast. Keep things causal because you can't afford to get attached to someone right now. You've come so far without a man. Don't let him hinder you or hold you back. You'll be gone in a year. It'll never work out. What if you change your mind? You wouldn't want to hurt him or waste his time. 2nd half of me: Wow, he's pretty amazing. Why stop something before it starts out of fear. Don't look so far ahead, enjoy this right now. He'll hold you close, isn't this what you've been missing. You deserve someone that cares. Give him more credit. He's so sweet and you're so happy.
So to remedy this I need to revisit things from my Christmas Eve post to have a life of my own. Stay tuned!
Today started off like any other, me constantly pressing snooze to the 5,00 alarms I set in an attempt to motivate myself to go to the gym for an early morning workout. I rather enjoy the mornings, they're like my little piece of utter reflection and solitude. I love how the morning light comes through my blinds and kisses my cheeks...I love the time for me. So imagine my dispair when a seemlying harmless text message from a friend spun my mind into a dismal of discouragement. The content of the message, if I regaled in it once again, might send me on another raging rampage that I must digress. But the implications of it brought me to issues of social justice. Issues plaquing women, communities of color, batteles with self esteem due to systematic opression, political promaganda, all at my door step at 8am this morning. Now let me be clear in saying these are topics I deal with every single day. They are my stomping ground and I live each day to tackle different issues. But at 8am?! it was so much. Not for the morning but the harsh reality of the vast amount of issues in the world, issues that I am standing in right now and being comfronted with...is so much. So I thought to myself: How can a person like me, one person, even begin to tackle and address the mass amount of injustices and issues of oppession in our society? Who am I? I became certain in my self pity that with the span of my infleunce and the centuries of wrong doing there was little to nothing that this girl could do. Then another text message. A "how is your morning" message from a close friend. I recited to him my current woes of the lack of faith I had in my visions and dreams in that moment and my doubt that one person could make a difference. His responds was more that I could have ever hoped for: "Yea but so was Jesus, and look what he did. And he said you'd do greater things yet. So I'm pretty sure the world better get ready for you." Now it may have me my tendency to become overwhelmed with emotion but I began to tear up. He had so much faith in me. For me a comparison to Christ might seem undeserved or blasphamist but for me it was a humble reminder that I was made in his image and likeness. It was an affirmation that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. It was a wake up call that I have been put on this earth to do great things and that is exactly what I intend to do. I have a job here, and at times it may seem overwhelming or unfair but I know that every day when I get up I can make a change. Whether that be the chance to speak in front of groups of people and educate them or a silent smile to a strange that conveys that I have faith in them, everything matters. I thank God for creating me for a purpose and I pray that everyday I can somehow live that out.
You're like an old sweater, packed away and stored for the warm months. Dusted off that until you desperately need it you may have forgotten you had. You're not even sure it'll fit still. But it slides right over your head and hugs you just like you remembered. Warm and comforting.
That's what you are old friend, comforting. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I feared I may be falling into something that could ruin me. SO many uncertain feelings rushed through me all out once but one stands out, comfort.
With you things are simple, easy, familiar. Yet still things with you are confusing, difficult but familiar. And at times when I'm at my lowest or alone I reach out for that. Something that even though is not constant, is still the same. It always seems like we pick up right where we left off.
I often ponder why I let you back in, why I find you so comforting. I think about you every time someone leaves. When they leave me alone, just like you did. I find myself so upset with them and everyone in the world but never you. And why not? You essentially did the same thing as them...but you were the first. The first to make me feel that kind of pain, hurt, anger, despair and loneliness. You were the first. Maybe I equate the first with being the worst. Maybe I find some solace in remember the pain I felt then and convince myself that my current pain is child's play to your first hurt. I guess this what they mean by scars remind us that we can heal. And you are the biggest scar I have.
And in the past I thought you may have been playing games, or couldn't see what your inconsistency did to me each time- shook my world as i struggle to find balance. But I was naive and self absorbed then. Now I see that maybe you need me too. Need my comfort just as I need yours. Maybe I'm familiar to you. Maybe sometimes thats all we need, no complications or more. Nothing to be expected from one another but an indescribable comfort. It's a good thing we always find our way back to one another. Old Friend.
Recently a friend inspired me to begin writing again, oddly enough she does not even know about this blog. It's more of a personal expression of myself free from the hindrances of the judgement from those close to me.
SO what's been going on with me? IN a way I can say: I have been delivered. I can honestly say that I whole-heartedly believe that I am becoming that amazingly and phenomenal women I wasn't sure I could be. And honestly all it took was letting go of the one thing I was trying the hardest to hold on too. Technically, it was pried from my death grip as I tried with everything that I posses to hold on. But even still, coming to terms within myself that it was time to let go was a struggle I had to endure on my own. But letting go is the best thing that I have done for myself in a long time.
Somewhere In my head my teenage girl instincts are telling me I should be sad and depressed....but I couldn't be farther from it. I'm free. I'm weightless. I'm carefree. I'm happy. And happiness has been hopelessly hard to come by.
With my new found independence I've realize maybe it should have been that way all along. That some of us are meant to stand out and stand alone. (Another topic completely). I've been able to take time to get back to the things that really matter to me. My family, my music, my writing, reading, my future. There are so many things I feel I can do now, so many things that I want to do. I feel on top of the world with no one to hold me down.
I even do this funny thing where I sit and day dream about my future husband. How we'll meet, what he'll be like, how he'll propose, and our lives together. It's exhilarating to think that there is someone out there that is going to think that I am the world.
With school starting soon there is a world of possibilities that I can't wait to explore. I want people to see the new me, I want to help other people, and I want to be involved. I can just feel that I have so much more to offer and discover about myself and I just can't wait!!
I often wonder, what sends girls over the edge and straight into an insane asylum. What makes a girl so paranoid and obsessed with a person? What takes her from zero to call the cops in 2.5 seconds? What happens to make her 1 centimeter away from launching an air strike on a lovers house.
You don't need to be in another country to have a summer adventure! I confided in a associate recently about my summer. I complained about slow nature of my college town, my regret of not studying abroad this summer, and the lack of excitement in my life. She challenged me to shift my mindset. It's not like I've lived here forever, there are probably dozens of things I've yet to discover here. Why sit around when I can go explore? And why choose to think of this as a wasted summer? I can have my own summer abroad experience right here in Bowling Green. So for the remainder of the summer I shall be sharing all the wonderful thing good 'ole Bowling Green has to offer. I'll be showing pictures and doing segments on local restaurants and foods, local businesses, recreational activities, sightseeing, and all things unique that make up BG's adorable small town feel! Here are some preview pictures of great things to come :)
I've been spending more and more time alone lately. Partly because those I often surround myself with often find very convenient ways to not surrounding themselves with me but also because I've realized being alone is not a bad thing. Do I enjoy company? Yes, of course. But i've learned recently that solitude is its own freedom.
Who am I when no one else is around? I'm probably as much of myself as I know how to be right now. I am free of judgement. I am free of expectations, I am free of pressures. I am free to reach into my thoughts, to dig deep and get lost there. A simple quite moment can be so liberating. I spend so much time getting to know others that I havn't allowed time to get to know myself. For that I owe an apology to myself.
the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
for·give verb \fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-\: to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone) : to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)
Now this may not be well written but it's going to be raw and it is going to be honest. I've always been taught that we should forgive people. If someone breaks something expensive, it was probably an accident. If you hear they said something bad about you it was probably blown out of proportion. If you and a friend have a huge fight, there was probably a misunderstanding. If a family member doesn't call to wish you a happy birthday, they might've gotten busy or forgotten. But what about when it isn't something expensive, or a fight, or a rumor, or something forgotten? What if it is just plain 'ole betrayal? Something that hits your heart deep. Because up until that day you trusted fully and unquestionably. But now that carpet has been ripped from underneath your feet and you're on the floor...hurting. Not knowing how to deal
Relationships are tricky. (Even more tricky when one chooses to post their private life online...oops.) Everyone knows that. Being a college age female, it's one of those things we spend WAY too much time on. I mean really, at this age a person should not be your morning and night sky, the breeze that keeps you a float, or the reason for everything you do-----> So said the smitten young teen. My self-righteous mumbo jumbo aside I place my significant other in very high regard. Although we have not been together for very long, they have become a vital part of my everyday life. But this isn't about that, it's about a conversation we had just yesterday.
It's about honesty and vulnerability. As of late I had been very frustrated both sexually and emotionally. There were so