I'm not sure if I want to this to be a reflective piece or not. So we'll see where it goes.
Its been a long time since I've posted. rereading my old posts has brought on a lot of emotion. So yeah....words. Right now I feel a mix of relief, disbelief, and anxiety. School has ended yet again and I have that feeling. That "wow, I have absolutely nothing to occupy my time anymore" anxiety. It can lead to things like over-thinking, seeking an illegitimate S.O., and depression.I'm also in a state a shock because I was certain that I could not weather the semester; but I don't want to recount all my struggles just yet.
I'm writing to feel. I realized this is one of the truest expressions of myself and I love it. Without writing how would I process this feeling: Him. Now we've just met really. But its a classic case of just as my life is becoming empty, he's there. So naturally, I want him to fill it. I've been there before. STOP NOW is what my mind (and my blog) is screaming. Since I don't have much else to look forward to I have a pull to put all of my time, thoughts, and emotion into him. Thats not healthy, thats not fair, thats crazy: you barely know him. But I want to share the things I do know and life about him. He's selfless. I'm selfish. I think thats where it starts. I want so much for myself and he's there believing that I deserve all of those things. Whether it be time, attention, help, or actual things. He's so caring and attentive. He remembers the little things. He looks at me like I'm some rare Ivory bird that if he's not careful may go extinct. He says sorry a lot. I tell him that he shouldn't but its actually a weird quirk that I like. He can be insecure but I'm not sure why. Y YOu can always tell when someone has a really good soul by the people that are drawn to them. His friends and family think the world of him. Who wouldn't someone like him in there life. Sometimes he makes me feel guilty: because he's so good and I've let him fall under the illusion that I am as well. Now i'm pretty great but I can be one crazy bitch.
1st half of me: Don't keep doing this. You're moving too fast. Keep things causal because you can't afford to get attached to someone right now. You've come so far without a man. Don't let him hinder you or hold you back. You'll be gone in a year. It'll never work out. What if you change your mind? You wouldn't want to hurt him or waste his time. 2nd half of me: Wow, he's pretty amazing. Why stop something before it starts out of fear. Don't look so far ahead, enjoy this right now. He'll hold you close, isn't this what you've been missing. You deserve someone that cares. Give him more credit. He's so sweet and you're so happy.
So to remedy this I need to revisit things from my Christmas Eve post to have a life of my own. Stay tuned!