I've been spending more and more time alone lately. Partly because those I often surround myself with often find very convenient ways to not surrounding themselves with me but also because I've realized being alone is not a bad thing. Do I enjoy company? Yes, of course. But i've learned recently that solitude is its own freedom.
Who am I when no one else is around? I'm probably as much of myself as I know how to be right now. I am free of judgement. I am free of expectations, I am free of pressures. I am free to reach into my thoughts, to dig deep and get lost there. A simple quite moment can be so liberating. I spend so much time getting to know others that I havn't allowed time to get to know myself. For that I owe an apology to myself.
I've been learning that I do not have to be surrounded by others to be happy. That has been hard for me. When i'm alone I feel, lonely, unwanted, or forgotten about. For a long time I was convinced that I could not possibly be happy without human interaction. But someone recently asked me what makes me happy? I wasn't sure. I didn't have an answer. What am I happiest doing? A few weeks ago I would have been lost. I place so much stress on my relationships with people to satisfy me and make me happy. How can I expect others to make me happy when I'm not even sure how to make myself happy? How will others enjoy me if I can't enjoy myself? They can't.
So recently i've been keeping my distance to get to know me. I've noticed I like this, writing. Wiring about my feelings, lessons, short stories, dreams, anything. It frees me. It gives me a space to be me. I've also rediscovered my love for music. Listening to new artist, playing my guitar, writing songs, and being fully immersed in the musical experience. Music calls to me soul. I have also discovered a new happiness. Bike riding. I've been on a journey and my bike riding is a representation of that. On my bike I feel distant and invensible. I love it and hope to continue it for a cause.
So I am content. No, I am happy being alone. Alone with my thoughts, feelings, music. My own private party, celebrating me.