Two parts. I miss you. Where are you? This physical distance isn't something that is new to us. Maybe that's why you're so content with where we are? IN your mind I am far from my limit or my breaking point. However, for me, that does not mean I am satisfied with this. I can survive this. One of the worst parts is that I know I'm being unreasonable. I know there is nothing you can actually do. I know that you're sorry. I know that you think it sucks too. I know you're not doing it on purpose; but that does not change how I feel. I feel sad. I feel undervalued. I feel alone. I know it might seem like I'm being cold....I am. That's how I feel, its radiating from my heart. I try not to get my hopes up about you, because even though its a few days, its a few days that I need you.
I'm afraid. We've only be apart a week and I am already doubting myself. I am back in this space that reminds me of so many things. It reminds me of what it's like to not have someone. But it also reminds me of what it means to have someone. How terrible it was the last time I did. You could not have picked a more inopportune time to go away. Being here, away from you, gets challenging. I'm lonely. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to share in my accomplishments. I want to cuddle. And there are people here, in the now, that want to offer me that. It can get hard to say no when that's what I crave so much. When I left here, I was unattached. So these people have become familiar with me as such. On another note: I feel like i've misplaced something that we used to have. Those two months did something to my memory. That bond we developed, i;m having trouble remembering it. I need to get back there, because I can tell you are. I don't want to end anything, far from it. I just need to start recalling what it is that made me fall for you. Something else I'm afraid of...losing me. Even now, I'm so sad and wrapped up in you being gone. It literally is altering my mood. Its hindering. Why do I feel this way toward a person? Why can one person control me so much already? I worked hard for a year to get to a place where I lived for myself. I didn't need anyone to think that I was happy. I could spend time with myself, doing things I loved and be more than content. I want to get back to that place. I know that's the girl you fell for, I want to continue being her. So maybe I am where I need to be. In this environment that fostered that change within me in the first place. I realize it takes work. I consciously worked at it. I need to work on upkeep and maintenance of that now. I just hope I can do that while simultaneously having you in my life.