If you were to have told the girl that started this blog that she would have turned into the woman writing this post, I am not sure she would've believed you. I mean I knew I had things deep in me that others could see and I could only barely sense but wow. The different 7 short months makes.
I have become so much. Accomplished so much. Learned so much. Grown so much. And I did that. Me. I allowed myself to grow. I made the decision that things were going to change, I was going to change. Now I am not one to claim all the glory of my success becasue I am too Christ-minded for that. God has led me here, I truly beleive. At one point in the summer, in my weeping that seemed to never cease, I assessed how I was becoming increasingly alone. The people in my life were leaving me. In an attempt to justify for isolation I procalaimed that if God is clearing house like this he must be preparing and making room in my life for some truly incredible things. He has surely exceeded my wildest imagination.
But why am I writing this post? I seems I only write when something is troubling me, and indeed it is. After all this growth and success I have become more self-aware and self-knowing. And I know that I am beginning to not feel like my new self. I am starting to feel like the girl that started this blog again. But I am smart enough to try to stop it.
I've been having feeling of self-doubt. Not being enough. Constantly seek the validation of others, mostly men. I have been irritable and rude. Worst of all, I've been bored. Now I am not sure if it is because I have returned home for winter break. I am no longer busy with classes, which gives me the space to over think. Maybe because I don't have my own room and therefore no place to distress and gather my thoughts alone. Maybe it's not being surrounded by my sisters, who's genuine compliments and energy had unknowingly replaced the admiration of men. Maybe it's that I'm not having sex here and therefore am lacking intimate human connection that I have become accustom to. Maybe it's the return of my bestfriend and anxiety for her reintegration into this new life I have built without her. Maybe it's because the winter months yield little sunshine and little outdoor activity and that I truly do have seasonal effectiveness disorder. Or maybe it's because it's Christmas eve and these kind of holidays just do this to people.
Whatever the reason I have sought out this previous form of expression as a way to think through it. It is like I am losing the ability to make myself happy which I fought so hard to gain. When I finally became okay with myself, what was I doing? I wish Cheryl were around to talk to. Rewind to the summer. How did I spend all those days alone:
Bike riding- This was more ultimate form of getting away. I could ride for hours and forget everything. I could think and talk to myself. It was an outward manifestation of my journey.
Guitar playing- As a musician playing my guitar was my way of feeling my emotion. There is always a song to descibe what I was feeling and if not I would write it. SOmething about strumming and singing was so freeing.
Reading- I read a few series over the summer. Some were self help books that helped me live a better life and become a happier person. Most were fiction. They allowed me to escape from my day and my troubles by entering a world were anything could happen.
Writing- When I started this blog it was a way of being bold and speaking about things I wanted without judgement. I could process through my problems. It was also a source of motivation. I would project who I wanted to become through my words and hopefully one day attain that. It probably been the most crucial to my growth.
Exploring/Adventuring- I did my study abroad in BG, a small town with so much to offer if you looked in the right places. I would eat at new restaurants, join local clubs, take nature walks. Geocaching became my little exploring expeditions and gave me something to look forward to.
Self-care- This is a concept I wasn't aware I was doing. Checking in with myself to make sure that I was okay. Putting myself first and making my happiness the priority. It also means physically. I started eating better and being active. Washing my body with things that made me feel great.
Appearance- I began to realize how beautiful I truly was and started acting like it. I put extra time into my hair and make up and my clothes always looked great. It was about me not looking for others validation but looking nice for me. I shouldn't feel less because others project that onto me.
Talking to my family- I developed a closer bond with all of my family beuase they were my support and my rock. They usually had encouraging words which helped so much. Also without friends to talk to my family always had a listening ear for whatever minuscule even happened at my desk job.
Napping- Over the summer since there wasn't much to do, I found myself sleeping a lot. At first it was too much. But once I started monitoring them they became a source of re-energizing. Sometimes I attempted to sleep away my problems and doubts.
Netflix- I watched the entire Gossip Girl series from start to finish over the summer. It had the same effect as my books, allowing an escape. It also gave me something to look forward to and something to do when all else failed. This particular series reassured me that my life was so normal compared to the Upper East-side teens.
Now having assessed all of that, I can see I am not doing any of those things. Maybe the appearance. But I get up with no motivation about the day. I think its time to spend time with myself and get back to good place. I'll start by writing, right here. Next post- Feminism.